This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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