I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
