I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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