You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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