I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
