I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
