Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
