How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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