can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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