I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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