he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
