The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
