I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
