I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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