This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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