We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
