I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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