I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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