my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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