Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
