you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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