get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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