literally had 100 drinks last night.
you would pick up someone in the library
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
