Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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