Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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