Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
