It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
