Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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