Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
