I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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