I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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