All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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