dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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