I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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