New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
