you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
