I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
