Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
