I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
