Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
