I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Less talking, more tequila
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
