Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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