anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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