tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
