you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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