this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
