this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
