I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
