Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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