I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
