I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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