And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
