i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
